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I don't know what happened to the
Journal of Modern Post, but here are
two of my pieces they once posted.
Journal of Modern Post, but here are
two of my pieces they once posted.
| The Journal of Modern Post * Excerpts From Actual Letters That Now Make Me Feel Like An Idiot For Ever Thinking The Recipients Might Actually Respond Stephen Ausherman |
To: Men's Journal
Feb. 21, 2004
Regarding your "Perfect Stuff" piece, would you tell me how I can get an Uma
Thurman, such as the one listed on page 59? Also, would you classify this stuff
under Tools, Toys, or Gear? And then how do I cultivate the Taliban-like mentality
it takes to list a woman among possessions like a faithful dog and a wiffle ball?
P.S. About your mail page, the spider hole containing the soldier with an issue of
Men's Journal doesn't seem to be the same spider hole containing the soldier with
an issue of Stuff (Stuff, p. 28, March 2004). I mean, not that I read Stuff
magazine, but who's got the real spider hole?
*
To: America's First Freedom
Mar. 20, 2005
The NRA promotes this magazine as "the one honest voice in a chorus of liberal
media that binds all gun owners and other freedom loving American citizens
together." So, is America's First Freedom about the aforementioned failures in our
First Amendment? Or does it focus on creative ways in which we can employ the
Second Amendment to eliminate all those liars in the chorus? Also, I'm not sure that
I'm comfortable with anyone binding me to other freedom loving American citizens.
I mean, what if they love the kinds of freedoms they should not have the freedom to
love? You know the kind I mean.
*
To: Newsweek
Jul. 14, 2004
...consider the coverage ratio of novels to movies and ask yourself how much of
America's lost literary interest stems from mainstream media's unbridled infatuation
with Hollywood. I still can't figure out how dreadful movies like The Hulk and The
Passion each scored a cover story and multi-page features in consecutive issues of
a certain weekly news magazine. When will literature enjoy such hype? (And by
'literature' I don't mean the fantasies about boy wizards and Armageddon that also
tend to grace the cover of a certain weekly news magazine.)
*
To: The Adirondack Review
("If you do not hear from us within six to eight weeks, please send us an e-mail to
check the status of your submission." - TAR editors)
Oct. 4, 2004
This work ['A Sense of Us'] was first submitted exclusively to you on March 15,
2004...
Dec. 6, 2004
Almost nine months have passed since I first submitted 'A Sense of Us'. Anything
you can tell me about that?
Mar. 15, 2005
One full year has passed since I first submitted 'A Sense of Us'. Just out of
curiosity, why didn't you respond to this one? I mean, given your restrictive
guidelines, one might expect, you know...
*
To: H- D-
July 12, 1979
Dear H-
Do you still love me?
Love,
S-
*
____________________
Feb. 21, 2004
Regarding your "Perfect Stuff" piece, would you tell me how I can get an Uma
Thurman, such as the one listed on page 59? Also, would you classify this stuff
under Tools, Toys, or Gear? And then how do I cultivate the Taliban-like mentality
it takes to list a woman among possessions like a faithful dog and a wiffle ball?
P.S. About your mail page, the spider hole containing the soldier with an issue of
Men's Journal doesn't seem to be the same spider hole containing the soldier with
an issue of Stuff (Stuff, p. 28, March 2004). I mean, not that I read Stuff
magazine, but who's got the real spider hole?
*
To: America's First Freedom
Mar. 20, 2005
The NRA promotes this magazine as "the one honest voice in a chorus of liberal
media that binds all gun owners and other freedom loving American citizens
together." So, is America's First Freedom about the aforementioned failures in our
First Amendment? Or does it focus on creative ways in which we can employ the
Second Amendment to eliminate all those liars in the chorus? Also, I'm not sure that
I'm comfortable with anyone binding me to other freedom loving American citizens.
I mean, what if they love the kinds of freedoms they should not have the freedom to
love? You know the kind I mean.
*
To: Newsweek
Jul. 14, 2004
...consider the coverage ratio of novels to movies and ask yourself how much of
America's lost literary interest stems from mainstream media's unbridled infatuation
with Hollywood. I still can't figure out how dreadful movies like The Hulk and The
Passion each scored a cover story and multi-page features in consecutive issues of
a certain weekly news magazine. When will literature enjoy such hype? (And by
'literature' I don't mean the fantasies about boy wizards and Armageddon that also
tend to grace the cover of a certain weekly news magazine.)
*
To: The Adirondack Review
("If you do not hear from us within six to eight weeks, please send us an e-mail to
check the status of your submission." - TAR editors)
Oct. 4, 2004
This work ['A Sense of Us'] was first submitted exclusively to you on March 15,
2004...
Dec. 6, 2004
Almost nine months have passed since I first submitted 'A Sense of Us'. Anything
you can tell me about that?
Mar. 15, 2005
One full year has passed since I first submitted 'A Sense of Us'. Just out of
curiosity, why didn't you respond to this one? I mean, given your restrictive
guidelines, one might expect, you know...
*
To: H- D-
July 12, 1979
Dear H-
Do you still love me?
Love,
S-
*
____________________
| The Journal of Modern Post * God Bless/Save the UK & USA Stephen Ausherman [excerpts from an actual e-mail exchange between a British editor and an American author] |
I've read your story on this occasion, although I wouldn't normally, and I don't
think it would be right for us. We're a British-run site with a very large national
readership and a significant international audience. With the whole of the UK and
then an entire planet to choose from, it's unlikely that we'd ever go for something
so overtly, conventionally and avoidably American in tone, idiom and subject
matter.
A- G-
Editor
Dear A-,
Never mind for a moment that this story revolved around a Dutch couple surviving
Nazi occupation... If you are not interested in such American stories, then you may
wish to include one of the following disclaimers in your invitation to "all writers":
- Proper British stories only, please.
- We strive for the internationally generic.
- We do not fancy the prattling of bloody Yanks, for we are cross little men who
despise all literature and other cultural products from the most culturally diverse
nation on this planet.
- Irony will not be tolerated.
Whatever suits you best. Really, you can use them all if you like.
Cheers,
S-
____________________
